I am Un-

My heart is unbound, my mind unhinged,

unintelligable, unintellectual, uncomfortable.

I’m trapped inside my own head.

I cry, I fear, I swear, I say sorry.

but I’m not unapologetic,

I’m a great old mess.

There’s so much I want to do, 

that’s the thought that leaves me unmoving, but unbroken.

On the outside I can appear unburdened, uninhibited, unbidded.

But the true feelings inside, I am not unbroken.

Much is unknowable, even in my own mind, 

I try to ignore it as much as possible.

Distract myself with games, “tv”, podcasts, 

I want to, I try to write, to draw, to record,

But I hold my breath

And wait for the oncoming failure.

But it’s not just that I’ll be hated, scorned,

Undoubtedly, no know will care or even notice.

Why should they? The thoughts all repeat

“you are no one, nothing, unworthy, unloved.

Unforgettable feelings and I can ignore them for so long.

Music is a solis, but it makes me realize how numb I’ve become.

“I want to feel something again”

There are yous that I miss,

For your kindness, your humor and your soft touch

that may be unchivalrous or unladylike,

but it means nothing to me

Because every time I say “Hope I see you soon”

It’s really another “goodbye”

It feels like the last time my heart can take it

Before it’s unrepairable. 

Before I’m inconsolable

I’ll try again, though I can only pretend I’m undeterred.

I wish I had a you with me,

and I hate that I feel I’m not me without you.

Sometimes I wish I was actually untouchable,

It feels like watching snow through the window.

Snow falls in a flurry around me, 

and the unluckiest flakes fall on me

because they immediately melt as they land on my skin.

So I’ll stay inside and gaze through the glass,

admire the quiet, serene beauty of the fractals

as they slowly uncrystallize against the window.

One need not be unmeltable, 

I just hope that I’m not unholdable, untouchable, unapproachable.

But I’m afraid it’s all unattainable,

since home is where the heart is,

I’m afraid it’s too unstable.

I can’t understand the unimaginable loss

if I can’t achieve my dreams.

I’d eventually die unsatiated, unfulfilled.

I’m accustomed to sharing my feelings.

I am uncommon, slightly incomprehensible, 

and hopefully, remain unconstrained and uncontrolled.

I’m not unconvinced that I can’t follow my dreams,

but that just makes it harder in my unchanging, unshakable ambitions.

It would be much easier to be uninterested, 

unchanging, unyielding, unbreachable,

but so out of step, it’s unconscionable 

when everything is un- can I just stay unfeeling?